


Silence, Fifty Bucks or Half-Off

by chubbychoco



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Autofellatio, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Car Sex, Flexible Wade, M/M, Oneshot, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 09:35:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14829812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chubbychoco/pseuds/chubbychoco
Summary: How do you shut Wade Wilson up when you’re not in the mood to get your dick sucked?Have him suck his own, of course.  He’s a flexible little bastard.





	Silence, Fifty Bucks or Half-Off

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Write_like_an_American](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Write_like_an_American/gifts).



> This is un-beta’d, written in a couple hours, and lovingly intended for the good Captain of the 99th, but you can enjoy it too <3

Attempting to keep Wade Wilson silent was an exercise in futility.Initially it had been one in patience, but the longer Nate worked at it, the more he accepted - albeit begrudgingly - that the man simply could not be quieted for longer than it took him to stuff his face with whatever Mexican food was conveniently handy.

Most of the time, it was an annoyance.But since they’d started working together, it had become constant enough that it was starting to push down into ‘the godawful background radiation of my life’, and that, he would not tolerate.Wade had his positives.Having to listen to him crack wise about every single one of his observations was not one of them.

“ - some nerve, needling me about _my_  look when the best he can rock is that vest made from someone’s cum-stained duvet - “

“What do I have to shove into your mouth to stop you from talking?”

The mask was off, so it was easy to see the way his hairless brows shot up and his mouth pulled into a filthy, hinting smirk.“Don’t get my hopes up, big boy.I haven’t called someone ‘daddy’ since - “

“You’re not calling anyone ‘daddy’ now either.”Abso-fucking-lutely not.Nate snorted and turned his attention to the road.The promise of money and violence was coaxing them north, and he’d offered to drive them since people on buses tended to stare...and also he didn’t trust Wade’s driving.But they’d been driving for three hours already, and he was getting fed up.“God, what is _wrong_ with you?”

“Where do I start?There’s the - “

The car ripped sideways as Nate yanked it into an overgrown, scrubby turnoff.Whatever mobile home used to sit at the far end of its dirt road had either burned down or been relocated.Wade yowled a protest as the motion slammed him gracelessly into the door, and he looked up to see himself fixed in an irritated, orange-tinted glower.

“You know that once you perfect that, you’ll be able to kill small, fuzzy animals just by looking at them?” Wade deadpanned.

Wade had a brief flash of regret when Nate’s metal hand shot out, shoving him back against the door.The other unclipped his seatbelt before darting down to pull his legs over the center console.Regret phased to understanding, and then a very definite interest in the proceedings, as evidenced by the notable, if gradual, swell at Wade’s groin.

Son of a bitch, he’d _known_ that the moody bastard was bisexual.No one straight made fashion choices like that, even if they were from some non-specific time in the future.

Wade’s mouth wasn’t even fully opened before Nate growled, “Shut up.Just shut up and let me - “

The thing he was hoping Wade would ‘let him’ might not work, if he was being honest, but he’d seen Wade contort himself into all kinds of positions.The man could squeeze into whatever his skull could fit through, or so it seemed.That meant his thighs could find a comfy place on his chest and he wouldn’t be able to whine about it, so Nate started on his pants.Sort of.Starting involved the button and half of the zipper, and then he was pulling them off with harsh, hungry tugs, each one nudging Wade’s ass a little higher. 

“You haven’t even bought me dinner, you fucking savage.”

“You don’t care.” 

“No, but where are your standards?Your nuance?Where - _oh_.” 

‘Oh’ was right.With Wade’s pants hanging off of one of his ankles, Nate was finally free to shut him up the way he’d planned in the first place - he gave Wade’s legs a little push down until the tip of his cock slid over his own lips, and then another couple inches followed wetly after to smudge along his cheek.Wade would have figured out what he was getting at even if Nate hadn’t reached down to guide his cock back to his lips, running the head over the lower one.

“Come on, then,” Nate said impatiently.

“You know, I normally charge if people want to watch this.Fift - “A little nudge on his ass and Wade had two and a half inches to talk around, which wasn’t especially easy to do.But it was head, and no one would know how to give himself a better blowjob than he would, right?He let his sarcastic little quips go for the moment, opting instead to seal his lips around the crown, making soft, wet noises instead.

Nate gave a grunt of satisfaction, still looming over him.It was a nice view, now that there was enough quiet for him to appreciate it.He could still see colorful glimpses of Wade’s shirt - a brightly-colored, Coachella-themed monstrosity he’d probably taken from some idiot kid he’d scared onto the straight and narrow - but most of what filled his field of vision was scarred, pink-peach skin, shining mats of damage rimmed with pale red.He was toned nicely under all that mess and leather, and the globes of that ass were...well, something else, actually.Nate had gone to town on a few asses like that before he’d settled down with Aliya.

“Keep sucking,” he instructed, reaching into the backseat towards his bag.

Wade did, crunching his belly tighter so he could draw more in.He’d managed a bit more than half now, and if Nate hadn’t trapped his head against the armrest that was built into the door, he’d have been able to bob his head up to take the whole thing.Instead, he curled his tongue beneath the crown, hooking the tip under the dipped ridge of the glans and giving it a gentle pull deeper into his mouth.The sensation made him whine, and he made a mental note to give himself a high-five for this later.

The whine had caught Nate’s attention.“Now that’s a nice noise,” he mumbled, and Wade could hear the sound of a cap snapping open.His heart quickened at the idea of something going in his ass right now - he was in the perfect position for it, after all, and it was basically his favorite place for not-too-soft, warm things to go.The cold drizzle of lube over his hole made him jump, mouth popping open so the shock didn’t make him reenact both sides of the Lorena Bobbitt debacle. 

“Hey!” he protested, shuffling a couple inches to the side so he could glare at Nate.“Rude!”

“Oh, sorry, I’ll leave it in the warmer next time,” Nate mocked, lifting his hands to give both of Wade’s asscheeks a squeeze.“Go back to sucking.You looked good and you sounded better.”

Wade may have protested the part where he sounded better if he hadn’t been sort of married to the idea of doing that tip-pulling thing again.He shot Nate a dirty look as he went back to his work to the tune of some lusty, muffled noises that had Nate grinning again.His eyes eventually drifted closed so he could focus on what he was doing - deeper, deeper, he could feel the warmth and smell the musk coming off his thighs and balls, and if he didn’t have those nestled under his nose in five seconds he was going to go  _crazy._

Nate watched him for a few more seconds before finally pushing a finger in, slicked to effortlessness by the lube.Wade groaned, which shook in the back of his throat just shy of where he wanted his tip, and he shivered with desire.Alright, fine.Just a little more space and he’d have this.Wade hooked his hands beneath his knees, pulling them closer in a dual effort to keep himself open to Nate and deep-throat those last few evasive inches.

Just as Nate pushed in another finger.He was genuinely surprised at how fast the clench ebbed, leaving Wade’s body open and pliant to his fingers.He worked them deep, feeling the soft quiver of his core and milking more from him with confident, skilled strokes over his sweet spot.A particularly long press had Wade’s insides turning to jelly, and his thought process wasn’t far behind it.Nate could hear muffled cursing as he tried to talk around a mouthful of his own shaft, and he chuckled to himself.“See?” he hummed, pulling his fingers back...only to pump them firmly, fucking Wade open now.He wasn’t here to get his cock squeezed - in fact, he doubted he’d have been able to get it up; stress and rage boners weren’t his strong suit - but leaving Wade a panting, wrung-out disaster of a man in the front seat?Good stuff.“You can be quiet.Might just be my new favorite thing.” 

Wade swallowed messily to some end, but he still had saliva pooling at the corners of his mouth, and his sucking had grown noisy.His lips smacked, the noise wet, and his knuckles grew white as he pulled himself closer still.Folded in half like a wallet, being blatantly silenced by some silver fox fuckoff who didn’t know how to have a decent conversation, and he was still _into this._ More than that, he was damn good at it.A third finger had him cursing again, and he pulled back to let his hard-on rest against his face again when Nate slowly pushed all three down to the knuckles, pinkie and thumb curled just above his balls.Even if Nate hadn’t been watching him, the very un-muffled moan was a dead giveaway that he’d stopped.

“Did I tell you to quit sucking?” 

“Oh my god,” Wade gasped, ignoring him entirely.“Oh my god, just - just crook them a little, right there, I’m - “

Getting closer, was he?Nate sighed as though this were some Sisyphean task he’d been maliciously assigned and not something he was enjoying immensely.“I want to watch you swallow.”

That broke through a bit of Wade’s fervor, and he blinked at him with slow understanding.“Do the editors know what a freak you are?Because I bet someone is projecting their kinks.”

Yeah, no, still not in the mood for that.Nate rolled his eyes and slowly eased his pinkie in along with the rest, watching the stretch first and then letting his eyes travel the tightened planes of Wade’s back.Wade was groaning up a storm, shifting and trying to contort himself into a better position, but Nate had him well and truly pinned.There was nothing Wade could do but let his eyes roll back as Nate pumped his fingers a few times, in and out with deliberate pacing.He tried to resume the good work between his legs, tongue flicking out to catch the tip...

...but then on the next push in, Nate kept pushing down to the knuckles again, all four digits squeezed snugly inside him and still rolling circles over his prostate.Wade’s moan was broken and loud, voice cracking from the strain and the odd angle.

Nate took his time now, with his hand buried and his body not parceled down to half its size.He rotated his wrist slowly, watching the twitch and squeeze of Wade’s hole alternating between bearing down on him and trying to pull him deeper.  _Greedy little bitch,_  he thought, the index finger of his metal hand pushing gently on Wade’s perineum.Wade jolted like he’d been shocked, which was all the heads-up Nate got before he was treated to the sight of Wade’s load shooting down onto his face.Most of it got on his lips, he’d been most of the way there already, but some of it streaked onto his cheek, trickling across the hollow beneath his cheekbone and pooling into the dip just shy of his ear. 

Nate eased his hand out, grabbing for Wade’s pants.He didn’t bother unhooking them from his leg before scrubbing his fingers off on them, which earned him another, if much more hazy and satisfied, “Rude.” 

“Yeah, and you stopped sucking before I told you to.Guess that makes us even.” 

Wade scoffed as he pushed himself up, one hand wiping away the lines of jizz on his face.What he hadn’t licked away, anyway.“It would only make us even if you hadn’t been getting off watching me.Which you were.Which reminds me - before you so rudely interrupted me, I wanted to tell you that you owed me fifty bucks.  For the show.” 

Nate didn’t bother waiting until Wade had pulled himself back together or buckled in.With the itch out of his system, he’d be good until they got to their motel room.Then he’d see about letting Wade be loud again - real loud.

He did, however, eye Wade - clad in nothing but his shirt, some Yo Gabba Gabba socks that were as awful as that shirt, and a crumpled and lube-stained pair of pants around one ankle - and quip, “How about half off?”


End file.
